A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
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cyclists
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Forever 21… pounds overweight
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003