Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.