@bellicosejason

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

You Might Also Like

@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

@XplodingUnicorn

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

@PhilJamesson

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

@_NTFG_

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

@robdelaney

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

@SoVeryBritish

Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed

@Grommit56

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

@internetluke

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

@Brianhopecomedy

Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.