Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–
[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.