A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Safety first
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
do what now??
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work