Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me too, bag. Me too….
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.