A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
You Might Also Like
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.