@TheDairylandDon

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

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@baronvonbike

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

@rockymomax

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

@TheBeerGuy73

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

@3sunzzz

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

@YSylon

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

@OrdinaryAlso

Freddy Krueger: (enters my dream) what the hell?

me: close the door you’ll let out the hippopotamus!

@IamEnidColeslaw

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

@hamersauce

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

@summerlvn82

[Being murdered]

Can you leave my body on a jogging path so people think I was exercising