A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
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Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy