a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
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*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Banking tips
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible