a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
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english majors be like furthermore
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
The sacred texts.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh