Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?