a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
You Might Also Like
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
lol
ah yes….my favourite videogame
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
it be like that
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!