A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
A fake ID that makes you younger
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
No, YOUR illiterate.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.