A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
