A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
You Might Also Like
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
5 ways to appear taller
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.