A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
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Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.