A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
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Phonetics
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
The Compass
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Sign of the day..
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks