A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Ha
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’ve been drinking.
yea so i messed up lol
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Cndnsd Mlk
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.