Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]