A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
You Might Also Like
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Cake safety first. Always.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?