A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
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Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
wow he looks just like him
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
me when somebody idk start touching me
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.