A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
You Might Also Like
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too