A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Today’s Times
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends