A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
You Might Also Like
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
#CoronaOutbreak
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
The Weeknd is back
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!