A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
You Might Also Like
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Happy thanksgiving!
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.