A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Icarus loved hot wings.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
