A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
