Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out