A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
*with the intention of bragging
I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
just witnessed a drug deal
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.