Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Look at this

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!