A friend sent me this.
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Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.