A friend sent me this.
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if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.