A friend sent me this.
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him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth