A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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I hate when that happens.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
True?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I’m putting together a team
i meant to share this earlier
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point