A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I think my mom just blocked me
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation