A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
War & Peace
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.