A friend sent me this.
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“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Lmfao
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.