*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes