*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
selfie game
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.