*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Don’t talk down to me
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”