A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
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I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.