A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
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Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
It has been 3 years since Monday.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
2022: I can fix it
Go gym
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.