A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
You Might Also Like
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Oops 🤭
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎