A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
What the hell is going on?
had to make it
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If you love someone, let them sleep.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.