A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
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God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
edward fingerhands
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
this is the kind of friend i am
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”