A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Who did it better?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Running from your problems is cardio .
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38