Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

o shit

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from