Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*