Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.