A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
You Might Also Like
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Match dot com, but for socks.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]