Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.