a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
