a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
All I’m saying is that big burgers should be fucking wider not taller
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
