A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
