A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
For the baby who has everything
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.