A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.