A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*