A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
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Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.