A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
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A great tip. #CakeRex
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
dead inside
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
