A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
look at me when i’m typing to you
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
He wanted to make sure😂
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
