A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
“I wouldn’t.”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Body by sandwich.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
