A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
How it started: How it’s going:
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
