A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
i can’t wait that long
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms