A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Sharon I have some bad news
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.