A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education