A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
*lint rolls you awake*
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
moms in horror movies
