A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
no refunds
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
