A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Incredible customer service.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
