A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
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Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Stop sending me this shit.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit