A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
You Might Also Like
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not