A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
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Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat![]()
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…