A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.
“Come on in for a Gouda time!”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).