Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Carpe DM
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.