“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao