A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Every
Single
Year
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
getting old is fun
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
