a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
You Might Also Like
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
another case of gang violins
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.