a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
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We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
My time has come.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it