a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.