A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
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[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
he was correct
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
