Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.